When I attended an infertility support group about a year ago, I met a woman who had suffered through many, many miscarriages—so many that she didn’t even want to give us a number for fear we wouldn’t believe her. She said it had gotten so bad that she was now afraid of becoming pregnant. While I felt incredibly bad for her, I couldn’t imagine feeling sick to my stomach at the sight of a positive pregnancy test. At least she had the joy of knowing she could become pregnant, I told myself.
Now I understand. Because when I gazed at those two lines staring at me this morning (yes, I caved and tested on 13dpo), my first thought was not “Finally!” as it was when I got a positive pee stick last July. Instead, it was, “Omigod, omigod, omigod, what have I done? My last period was only 7 weeks after I delivered a stillborn fetus at 20 weeks. They all say you’re supposed to wait three months because your body has to heal. But how could I pass up an opportunity when I actually ovulated on my own? I’m going to miscarry, I’m going to miscarry, oh, God, I’m going to miscarry, and it’ll be my own fault!”
Thus the reason for the title of this post. I know very well what it's like to feel that a friend or family member--or blogger--is "safe," only to find out that she’s newly pregnant. I know that some of you who are still waiting for your double lines will click on my blog today and, while being happy for me on some level, will find that it’s difficult to continue reading. That’s OK; I understand because I’ve been there.
There are others of you who will snort in indignation at this post. “Can’t this bitch even be grateful for the incredible gift she’s been given without immediately finding something wrong with it?” Let me clarify: I am thrilled beyond belief to be—to have seen two lines this morning. But I am also terrified beyond belief that I will grow to love this child, only to have him cruelly taken away from me. Somehow, I’m going to have to come to terms with these feelings. I just hope I’ll be given an opportunity to come to terms without having my fears validated.
Please, no congratulations—instead, congratulate me about four months from now if I find out all my baby’s body parts and organs are present and accounted for.
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64 comments:
No one can blame you for feeling fear now- but let's hope this is the first step on a happier road...
Wow!!!
This is going to be so scary for you, I know. I'll be here to try to help you through the really scary moments. I understand now starts your journey where you won't be able to breath until you have that baby in your arms. I get it.
~hugs~
delurking to say "amazing", and blessings on working out the naturally conflicting feelings. surely, surely, this road will be paved more smoothly.
signing in anon., but fond wishes from,
allison
I have been following your blog for some time now. I am so happy for your news. May you be blessed with an uneventful and blissful nine months.
Good luck! Pregnancy after loss is so very scary. I can totally understand having second thoughts about putting yourself through it.
I have shivers and tears at the same time.
You will never lose me as a reader. I pray infinitely for you.
Damn this is good news. No congratulations, as you requested.
Thinking of you and praying for you!
Big hugs for you. This is a great little dose of excitement with a load of trepidation I am sure. We're here to follow along.
I am so happy for you...and don't worry about us out here. I can only imagine the joy that you feel, but at the same time I can only imagine the anxieties you are feeling with it. I know if I am ever lucky to get pregnant again I will be feeling the same way.
Here's praying for 9 (or is it 8 at this point??) months of pure and utter joy.
I just want to say, as scary as this is, I think we'd all agree we would rather the scary of being pregnant rather than the scary of wondering if we'll ever get pregnant again (let alone carry to term).
I am HAPPY for you, even though you were a "safe" place, this is something we all WANT to see happen... Shoot, without drugs, even! As much as we all want it for ourselves, I remember the sad feeling when I got my BFP and knew so many women were still waiting. It's a hard place to be....
That said, I KNOW you're not out of the woods.... I know these weeks and months will be scary. And so I'll still be reading. And hopefully along the way, I'll get my BFP and join you in that way!
It is really hard not to say the C-word because I am happy for you while still sad for your earlier loss and swirling in that mixed up soup and only wanting to grab hold of the happy stuff because...Well, I think you understand.
No C word. A smile big enough for you to see all the way through at your computer.
Can I put it in the L & F? Awaiting your permission.
I agree with the others that's it's hard not to say the C word. But, I am very happy for you and am hopeful for you. :)
Its great you didn't have to take any pills and it happened naturally. Good luck on the beta numbers and the weeks ahead!
After reading so many blogs on pregnancy loss I don't even congratulate a woman till she is really showing (6-7 months)
Oh, Ann, I'm so happy for you, and yet sad that it will be such a scary time for you for the next few months. I am very hopeful, though, that this pregnancy will end in a healthy baby. I will await the use of the C-word until you are ready. Big hugs.
Of course it is scary. We can hold your hand x
Well I posted about you on my blog when you ovulated. I was so happy for you then and am now too. I would be scared in your position too. Good Luck and Hugs go out to you. I will say an extra prayer for your little one too.
It's completly natural to have this fear. I can completely side with how you are feeling about fear too, I too just found out I'm pregnant and don't see my OB till the end of the mth so I'm over analyzing every single little twitch for fear of miscarriage. I hope it works out for you I really do, and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I for one will continue reading your blog so you have not lost me as a reader.
Goodness, I know it's scary to be where you are at right now. But congratulations on being there anyhow, since the reality is that the goal you have sort of requires you to go through this.
I wish it were easier for you. Since that's not in the cards, though, I'm wishing you good health and much luck.
I'm avoiding the C word because of course your are scared right now. I'll be thinking of you.
I too felt excitement and fear at the same time when I got my 2 lines afer a loss. I completely know how you feel both with the fear and the guilt of not celebrating the joy as others think you should. You celebrate when you are ready, and the fear really doesn't go away, unfortunately -- there are stages and milestones that make you feel better. I'm 8 months pg this Saturday, and I still keep myself awake at night with fear...
Yay! That is such great news!
And don't worry, I still haven't gotten my own two lines and yet I don't feel that way at all. I completely understand why you would be freaked out. You have every right to feel that way.
I wish you tons and tons of healthy baby dust! I will also pray that these 4 months go by fast!
At least you have something a "little" positive to think about though. Despite the fear, there's got to be a little part of you that's happy. I mean, you have to actually get pregnant to even have a chance at carrying to term and you're at least there!!
I'm so happy for you!
Sending lots of love and prayers your way for a healthy and happy 9 months. I'll also be here to walk with you down this scary path. XOXO
We're here to help you through the scary moments. I hope, though, that the fear will begin to fade a little each day until you are left with only happiness and enjoyment. You deserve nothing less.
don't underestimate your readers, Ann... you have a lot of support here.
i won't say the C word just yet. i'm sure you're going through such conflicting emotions. that said, this is good news.
while i didn't go through anything close to what you have endured, i too was terrified about my last positive as it was only one cycle after a d&c. my body did the same thing. . . just decided to ovulate on its own after so long of being obstinate. i couldn't NOT take advantage of it! it still didn't seem real for the longest time.
i wish you the very best of luck. hang in there.
Delurking to say that I'm thrilled for you that you get this chance (I won't use the other "c" word, too) so quickly. I am currently 22 weeks today and, after my losses, most days still feel like congratulations should be 18 weeks away ... make that 18 weeks and 22 years ... make that 18 weeks, 50 years ... well, you know what I mean -- motherhood does begin to seem like a path of uncertainty from the get-go! : ) You'll be in my thoughts and prayers!
I'm a relatively new reader who found you through the Lost and Found during your previous pregnancy. I am so beyond sorry for what you have gone through, and I can fully understand why you would be so scared at this moment. Please know that we are all here to support you, and if you do happen to lose some readers, you have gained one new one. 8-)
Gotta say, I'm stunned - wow. But I'm not leaving you, you've gone through too much and you ahve every right to be terrified. I'm afraid for you cuz you dont' deserve anymore heartache.
Okay, I will accept that I'm not allowed to say the "C" word. But know how happy I am for you. I will pray with all of my might, every fiber of my being, that 4 months from now you get the best news you could possibly imagine. Until then, I will hold my breath with you.
Infertility and pregnancy loss cause all of us to develop our own private hells. Don't worry, I can completely understand your fears, and will not be about abandon you at this point! And even if I did disapprove, it's not my place, or anyone else's, to judge your fears. I am hopeful for you this time around, and sad that you can no long feel the same joy (no judgment in that, just saying it sucks to have to have those fears).
That is wonderful news, I am really happy for you and I hope the worry and fear you feel is replaced by an easy, completely problem-free pregnancy.
I never understood that worry of a positive pregancy result either until the other day I suddenly realised that another pregnancy in my case would probably mean another loss. Horrible feelings to have.
Wishing you an easy road ahead.
It will be scary but we will be here for you. Even if it is hard to hear of yet another positive for someone else, I do have joy that it is for you though and not some random person I don't know. Please just take it easy and I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
I understand that "holy cr@p what have i done" feeling all too well. hoping for all the best for you..
I totally get it. I am right now wondering how I'll ever handle another positive test. I think may first reaction may be tears of terror.
I hope this leads to a healthy pregnancy and a baby for you.
There are no guarantees. All we can do is keep trying...and here you are...hoping for the best, yet scared of the worst.
I am wishing you the best.
Okay, won't say congrats at your request but will say am thinking of you and your thoughts are NORMAL! you have had a really rough time so take things one day at a time, as they come. Best wishes to you and DH. Take it easy
I can only imagine how scared you must be. I had an early loss (with bonus lingering betas) in Sept. and found out in November that we conceived two weeks after my beta hit zero at the beginning of Oct. It was (and is) terrifying. It's scary just about every day. But the only way to get to the finish line is through the muck so on we go. Sending good healthy thoughts your way.
Praying for you and hoping that four months comes very, very quickly.
I'm thinking of you. I was so saddened to hear of your loss when it happened. I also got a BFP exactly 8 weeks after a loss (though it was a first trimester loss), and I was celebrating and crying at the same time. When it came time to schedule an ultrasound, I was definitely crying. I'm 4 1/2 months now and I'm still scared every day. Good luck, you have many many people rooting for you and praying for you, including me.
I'll just add my hat to the ring of supporters you have here. I'll be waiting with everyone else, hats and party favors in hand, on the day when the c-word is called for. Until then, I'll be here to lend a shoulder or a hand.
Biting my cybertongue not to say the C word yet. But I will be thinking of you. I think your feelings are totally normal, after everything you've been through. Don't know if you are in a reading mood, but I have two great ones: "Trying Again" by Ann Douglas and "Pregnancy After a Loss" by Carol Cirulli Lanham.
De lurking to say I have my toes and fingers crossed. I will be praying an following along. This is good news. Scary times, but good. You won't feel calm until your wee one is here I am sure. Best wishes! Let's hope for a happy 9 months!
I'm sticking around. 'Nuff said.
Prayers up for the bean growing inside you and for your sanity these next 4 months!!
Came here from L&F--happy news and happy for you!!
Also, I wanted to let you know that I got pg about 7-8 weeks after a loss/D&C. Scary as heck, yes, but wonderful nonetheless. Finally able to breathe again after bringing her home.
And now, that pg after my loss? She's 31 months old, running around, talking like a big girl, and stretching my heart out more than I ever thought it could expand with each day.
May you be able to say something very similar approximately 35-36 weeks from now.
NBHHY.
That's all I'm saying.
I only had one miscarriage and I was a nervous wreck throughout my subsequent (third) pregnancy, even though I had already carried a pregnancy to term in the most uneventful way possible. I can only imagine your trepidation. However, I am still cautiously excited for you and will pray for you and the new life growing inside of you.
Lots of luck Ann, Ive been there, I know whats likely to go through your mind these coming months, Just keep strong thats all you need to do. XXX
Hey, you won't lose THIS reader, for one! I will keep checking back and hoping to hear that things are going well and we all get the green light to congratulate you. And although you're scared, I hope you're also happy. Best wishes.
I'd love to say the c-word but at your request won't. I will say that you body was depleted of nutrients like calcium and D and zinc and folic acid and iron by your recent pregnancy and you haven't had time to regain, so please please take extra even if you are on prenatals. A few tums at night, and a few extra folic acid tablets in the morning would be very very helpful right now.
My other idea? To help rebuild your uterine lining and keep it feeding that new embryo, you could take some baby aspirin. 81 mg every day will do some good. After a pregnancy ends, the site where your placenta attached is raw and needs to heal, like a skinned knee. Increasing blood flow to that spot will help your new embryo implant well.
Take care hon, we'll be reading.
We won't abandon you if you won't abandon us....more to the point, I think it's highly unlikely given all we've been through together.
Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way! It must be very scary for you. Best wishes, and you won't be losing this reader either!
I won't say the word for another couple months, but I am very very happy and excited for you! I'll be praying for you that the good news continues.
Holy crap! I totally "get it" about being freaked out. I'll still read. Take it one thing at a time. You can never predict how things will turn out (good or bad). So try to enjoy. I am very happy for you even in the mist of my own sadness for my self.
Amber
Hugs! You are entitled to your feelings, you have a lot on your plate to worry about what others think. You and your family continue to be in my prayers.
I think what you are feeling is completely normal. A reaction to shield what's left of our broken hearts. First I had one miscarriage. Then another. This...after seeing his heartbeat three times. Didn't think that was supposed to happen, but it did. Anyway, when I got those two lines again I thought I would feel joy. But it was more like shock and fear. I am now 28 weeks along, everything is fine, yet I still can't wrap my mind around it. Haven't bought one baby thing yet. Don't know when this will start feeling real, or when I will feel happy, despite the fact that he is kicking the crap out of me as I type. Know any good loss and pregnancy boards?
May you have all teh stregth and grace needed to get through teh next nine months. I will continue to read because I feel that every IF blogger who gets pregnant give me hope that one day I can get there too.
Wow. Just... wow. I'm scheduling in lots of the C-word for 4 months from today.
And I'm afraid you're stuck with me as a reader, as well. Sorry. You'll just have to put up with me.
This is your blog, and your place to express your feelings. Feelings are never wrong.
I won't congratulate you as you said but I'm so so very happy for you. You deserve this just like the rest of us do. I hope that this will help you heal.
Stay strong, start telling yourself, "I WILL give birth to a healthy baby in 9 months". You can do this, stay strong.
((HUGS))
You know, this is great news. It is scary and hard but it should still be celebrated. You can't get to the healthy baby without getting pregnant first. May it all work out easily this time.
OH MY!!!! i had to reread this a few times :) I will congratulate you in a few months :)
Cant wait to follow this!
I just thought of this today, but my own mother became pregnant with me 9 weeks after having my older sister by C-section. I was small (5.5 lbs) but 100% healthy. It can be done.
I can't imagine the intensity and complexity of what you are feeling right now. I've been thinking about you even though am not a regular reader, just dropping in from time to time.
I'm someone who has never spoken up because I wasn't sure I was "safe".
I hope the time comes swiftly when you can enjoy your pregnancy.
hon,
I will respect your wishes and not congratulate you but I am hopeful and wish the very best for you.
Thinking of you and quietly thrilled on your behalf,
xx
J
You are still grieving, and no one can blame youf or not jumping from the roof tops!
Best wishes!!
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