I have been thinking a lot about relativity recently, and an anonymous comment on my last post made me decide I should write about it.
Those of us in the infertility and loss community are drawn to each other’s blogs because we have all encountered hurdles in our journey to become parents. Some of us were never able to pass those hurdles; some are still fighting; and some are well on our way.
The difficulty in relating to each other is that we have all experienced different levels of pain. I must admit that I felt rather sheepish when we conceived after only 14 months of trying; relatively speaking, we hadn’t “suffered” nearly as much as other bloggers. Then we had a devastating second-trimester loss. Suddenly, we jumped a few rungs on the suffering ladder, and I started getting comments like, “I can’t begin to know what it has been like to go through all you’ve gone through, but…”
And now I’m pregnant again. The reason I titled my announcement post “In which I lose half my readers” was not because I thought you guys would be angry; it was because I figured many of you would slowly stop being able to relate to my experience. I knew that whenever I would post about the continued devastation of loss, many (not all) of you would still be saying in the back of your mind, “Yes, but at least you’re pregnant again…”
Because, of course, what trumps a second-trimester loss after infertility? Well, I suppose it would be continued infertility after a second-trimester loss after infertility.
There is always someone who has suffered more. There is always a story that is more devastating than yours. Unfortunately, when we blog, we can’t account for all those other devastating stories; we can only write about our own experiences. After we lost Zach, it killed me to read the blogs of women who were due about the same time I was. Every time they wrote about the joy of feeling their babies kick, I felt like a dagger had been stuck in my heart. But I didn’t ask them to change what they wrote; instead, I simply stopped reading for a while. Slowly, I have started to come back to those blogs as my pain has lessened.
To Anonymous (who, by the way, shouldn’t be reading this blog if you’re offended by my posts; I did post a warning on the last entry): I contend that it would be even harder for me if I found I had difficulty conceiving again. But that doesn’t take away the pain of grieving a lost child while trying to convince others that it’s OK for me to delay being happy about a new pregnancy. Unless you suffered from IF, then had a 20-week loss, and are now 6 weeks pregnant, you have no idea what it’s like to be me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
18 comments:
What a great way of putting it. I never thought of it that way. Rungs in the ladder of suffering.
I think we only have a responsibility to ourselves to avoid or read whatever blogs we want and/or are are able to handle.
I think you are perfectly justified in all your feelings because no one has been in your shoes but you.
So just know that there are some people out here that just appreciate your straightforward honesty!
I didn't read your last entry...but your last paragraph is spot on.
It doesn't matter if it was 4 months before you conceived, or 4 years. We each have our own thresholds for tolerance, and what we can bear.
Thus until you walk a mile in anyones shoes you don't know what its like to be them.
You have every right too feel the way you need too feel. Different circumstances you would be dancing on the roof tops by being pregnant again...and anyone who doesn't get that...needs to find a different blog to read!
As humans, I think that people feel that they need to quantify everything. "I'm tired, I only got four hours of sleep." "I'm more tired, I only got 3 hours of sleep."
That very thing drives me MAD. Why does everything have to be ranked? Why can't we all just have crappy experiences that make us crazy/sad/etc.?
I have struggled with this issue too; I had a relatively short journey to my first child, although I certainly suffered on the way there, and I still identify as fertility-challenged. (It was, in fact, the topic of the post I submitted to CDLC). I agree: You should not have to apologize for your feelings about your pregnancy on your own blog. Although I don't have the certainty of your nurse, I am wishing you all good things in this pregnancy.
A long time ago a certain blogger wrote about "The Pain Olympics" of struggling to start a family. The idea was that each experience a person suffers on the road to attaining living children gets ranked on a numeric scale. IVF was above other fertility treatments, a pregnancy loss compounded the score, and multiple losses added more points still. Furthermore, the longer each pregnancy progressed before it was lost, the greater the points awarded.
I remember being wowed by how that post nailed my sense of isolation, anger, and also the constant comparing of woe that I'd been doing internally after my own loss. I think it is instinctive to feel outraged at the wrong the world has dealt you and to only see injustice and inequality wherever you look at first. This is part of coming to terms with any sort of devastating experience.
However, there is a big long-term problem with the Pain Olympics. It is a swamp you can get stuck in, and it will rot you out. Becayse according to the rules, you only have a "right" to complain if you rank higher in misery than the people around you.
In this mindset, positive steps toward having a baby are actually negative, since they mean you lose your support network and sympathy.
And how unfair and messed up is THAT?
So, if "anonymous" is reading this, I want to say that I'm really sorry for your pain. But I also hope you can try to step outside of it a little bit more in a positive way. Because one day if you are lucky enough to be pregnant with a healthy child, your world is going to open up to a whole new set of possibilities -- some great and some terrifiying. Wouldn't you want others to root for you in that circumstance, rather than snipe at you?
I'm a bit surprised someone would even imply that you should "get over it". I don't imagine you ever really do and I can't imagine that just because you're pregnant somehow those feelings just turn off. I'm sure you're happy to be pregnant and probably very worried as well. To me everything you have written is very normal right now.
I don't think that you could possibly do any more than you have in "warning" people about your posts.
We all choose the blogs we read and the blogs we don't. If someone chooses to continue reading, especially after a warning like that, they have zero right to be upset by what you've written. Honestly, not worth spending another millisecond of thought on.
I'm sorry that person posted that comment. I hate that we as members of this community feel like we have to rank our pain. What you went through was devastating, and just because you are now pregnant, doesn't not for one single second erase the pain of losing Zach. And in my opinion, if someone can't realize that, they are an idiot.
You have ever right to be scared, nervous, worried, sad and excited all at the same time. This is your blog. Speak your heart. People don't have to read your blog if they don't want to.
Sending hugs.
This concept seems to come up over and over again in the blogosphere. My take is that pain is pain, and ranking it is crap. We are all hurting (or have been) or we wouldn't be here, reading. Raising WEG has a post up right now that links both to the Pain Olympics post that another commenter mentioned above, as well as another post published this week that echoes the points that you made as well as the Pain Olympics one.
I hope you feel more secure in your pregnancy soon.
I've actually been thinking about what makes a second or third trimester loss so difficult, and have actually posted some about this on my blog. I'm sorry you got a comment like that from anon., if she feels that way, she should probably stay away from blogs with any pregnancy right now, not leave snippy unhelpful comments.
I am sorry that someone took the easy route to jab you a little... I really never have understood why people that are hurting insist on hurting others.
Also, I just have to say that I'm beginning to dislike the option of Anonymous comments. It seems like anytime someone is wanting to do damage to a blogger they use this option as their sheild.
Frankly, my Momma taught me very early on that if you can't sign your name to it you know you shouldn't say it.
That being said, I hate to cut off comments from people that don't have accounts. I just wish people wouldn't corrupt the pool, and if they feel like shit they should get out for a while. Like my analogy? LOL
I'm not the person who commented in your last post. That was rude and insensitive.
You are entitled to feel so many emotions right now, and you shouldn't feel guilt for being happy or guilt for being not as excited. You've suffered a very recent loss and now you have been given another gift. But one child doesn't replace another. You hadn't really had a full chance to grieve Zach before finding yourself pregnant again. So take time to grieve and take time to revel in your new joy. But...no one should be surprised that you're hesitant to feel too much joy right now. Once bitten twice shy...
Great posts on this from both you & Samantha. I see this all the time at our "real life" pg loss support group... we try to emphasize that everyone's loss is significant, regardless of gestation & circumstances -- but we invariably get people with early miscarriages telling people with later losses that they feel guilty for being there, because their loss is so much greater/worse -- when anyone can obviously see that they are hurting too. I hate to see them discount their own experience & feelings.
I'm all for cancelling the Olympics. Pain is pain is pain. And another baby does not make it all better.
I am sorry that somebody criticized you on you blog. You shouldn't have to go through that. You need to take care of you. If you are feeling nervous or still sad that is okay. Only you can say what is right for you. The pain you are feeling is real. It is hard to be happy and sad at the same time. Hugs to you as you still long for little Zach and as you approach this new pregnancy with caution.
I have only commented a few times on your blog BTW, but I can't let this pass.
I am in the mind set of if an "anonymous" poster has something negative to say they need to reveal themselves instead of hiding behind "anonymous." They had the nerve to type it, they should have the nerve to say who they are.
This is YOUR blog, YOUR feelings and you are perfectly justified to feel the way you do. Being someone who has not experienced a pregnancy loss, but did experience a bump in the road getting pregnant the second time around, I cannot even IMAGINE what is going through your head right now and honestly, as horribly rude as this sounds I hope I never have to walk in your shoes!
You are brave to start all over again, because I would have crawled under a rock and never come out.
You post your warnings and if someone continues to choose to read, that isn't your problem and nor should they make it your problem. That is pure selfishness and jealousy on their part.
Thank you for always being so honest and open and saying many things most of us are afriad to actually post.
Great post. I think we often spend way too much time comparing levels of pain. And while there are certainly differences, it is really difficult to compare when you haven't walked in another person's shoes.
what i hate most about the grief/pain competition is that it keeps us from supporting each other when we most need it.
"Unless you suffered from IF, then had a 20-week loss, and are now 6 weeks pregnant, you have no idea what it’s like to be me."
I would argue that he/she would STILL not know what it is like to be you because your views, coping skill, experience, etc. all affect how you feel about what is going on in your life.
Post a Comment