There are lots of things I’ve been thinking about over the past week, but none of them warrants a post of its own, so consider this my smorgasbord 1st-trimester blog post.
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Yesterday, we went to M’s parents’ house to celebrate his 33rd birthday. Pregnant SIL was there (she’s due in a couple of weeks). MIL served a dessert with Kahlua in it, and SIL made a mock big deal out of it, saying she would only take a TINY bit. I decided it was worth bringing up that a tiny drop of alcohol doesn’t hurt anything (I mean, honestly!), and she laughingly told her mother that if the baby comes out cross-eyed, it’s her fault.
Hmm. I sat looking at my plate, trying to decide if I should say something. Just when I determined I should take the high road, SIL piped up again with another comment along the same line. I couldn’t take it anymore. “You know,” I said, “even when you do everything right, things can sometimes go wrong.” Immediately, everyone around the table started agreeing with me, and the conversation stopped right there.
Kinda classy of me, huh, considering the thoughtlessness of the comment? I told M afterward that I should have said, “Oh, well maybe your baby won’t turn out cross-eyed, but better watch out for those kidneys!” Yes, I realize it was a foot-in-mouth moment for her, but come on—remember the company you’re in before you say things like that.
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A couple of weeks ago, J, one-half of a couple we’re friends with, asked M out to lunch. M finally called him back last week and they went out on Friday. I found out afterwards that R, the female half of the couple, is pregnant and due in June. They had put off telling us because of our loss. (That explains why I haven’t heard from them since we spoke two weeks after we lost Zach.)
Here’s a good example of just how irrational I am these days: R, who was my friend first, sees my SIL much more often than she sees me because they’re in a Stroller Fitness class together. SIL must have known about this pregnancy for months. It was her suggestion that they tell my husband first, and let my husband tell me.
SIL was being considerate by suggesting the least painful way to break the news. R was being considerate by laboring over how she would break the news. Yet all I can think about is the two of them happily chatting over SIL’s and R’s pregnancies, excited that their kids will almost be the same age. I can’t stand that SIL appears to have stolen my friend. (Yet I’m also conveniently overlooking the fact that if this pregnancy lasts, my child, too, will be close in age to R’s son.)
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Also this weekend, we received a voice mail message from an out-of-state (male) friend who called “just to see how we are.” This particular friend and his wife have two children. We spent a blissful late October weekend with them last year, chatting about the pregnancy and our upcoming formal ultrasound. During the conversation, they mentioned another friend who had found out during said ultrasound that her baby would need multiple heart surgeries. That freaked me out a bit, but the wife told me I shouldn’t be worried at all. I never thought I would end up being jealous of her other friend—simply because her child actually had a chance of living.
And then, of course, shit happened.
They sent a very nice sympathy card, but we haven’t heard anything since. It’s now been three and a half months since we lost Zach; people must be thinking enough time has passed that they can approach us again. It’s amazed how afraid people are to contact you when you’ve gone through hell.
The funny thing is, when we visited them last October, I mentioned we had gone through a lot to conceive our child and they brushed it off. Apparently, the pain of IF doesn’t matter once you’re actually pregnant. However, I imagine we’ve probably gone up a medal or two in the Pain Olympics, at least in their eyes. That gives me some sort of sick satisfaction. See, we really have gone through hell!
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11 comments:
I can really relate to this post. It's hard sometimes when it feels like it's infertiles vs. fertiles, because while we know the fertiles don't mean to be thoughtless or unsympathetic, we still take it personally when they say and do dumb insensitive things.
Ann, it seems as though in your life when someone comes out of the woodwork, everybody comes out of the woodwork. I am sorry that you had to deal with all of that in a very short time. I think you handled yourself very nicely with sil. It is a bummer that you feel she stole your friend. Atleast your friend seemed considerate enough to tell your husband first, although that isn't fair either. Your husband still hurts over Zach's loss as well and everybody seems to want to make him the buffer for you. Although, like you said, your little one will be about the same age as R's baby. About your voicemail friend, it was nice that they finally called but people like that will never understand what others go through. Your pain, hurt and suffering, are very valid even if all of those friends don't see it that way. It can be tough sometimes but you are hangin' in just like a real trooper. Hopefully you don't have any more moments like that in the very near future.
I'm shocked over the conversation at your in-laws. Talk about insensitive! I'm glad you said something.
Sounds like your SIL was really insensitive. I think some people just think it's their turn to be the center of attention, who cares what others think. I think you handled it well, though.
As far as the friends who brushed off the infertility, while it wasn't the reaction you wanted (and it was inconsiderate), sometimes when people do that I feel comforted. The reason they think it's no big deal is that they're sure it'll work in the end. And if they believe it'll work out, maybe you can believe it. That's what I tell myself, anyway. Sorry for the assvice if that doesn't help at all.
It sounds like you handled the Kahula joking with much grace. You stood up for your own experience, but did it in a way that was not off-putting to the rest of the family, and allowed them to retreat from that line of talk with just enough awkwardness so that they will likely remember your sensitivities to this sort of thing in the future. That is a delicate balancing act for you and your family. I admire you for doing it well.
From the other things you've written I got the impression your SIL has been quite supportive since you lost Z. Hopefully you can forgive her this offense and the two of you can continue on without your relationship being too strained in the long run?
You handled a tactless comment well,
J
Sadly I have some old friends who got pregnant after infertility, and then I became a pariah...so for some once the stick turns out with 2 lines infertility is a mere memory...
That was a whole lot at once. Navigating friendships is tricky without all the emotional turmoil that infertility brings. Hang in there.
I am glad you said something to your SIL. If you hadn't you would be stewing about it, and she would never have realized her brainless comment.
I do agree with wabi when she says your SIL seems to have been supportive. While it may feel she has stolen R, and they discuss their perfect pregnancies together, they may talk about the pain you are feeling just as much and how they can help you. They may just not be attuned to how much pain you are actually feeling and choosing the wrong path of action. But you have every right to feel the way you do. And don't let anyone tell you you are wrong for feeling that way. Just don't keep it inside and make the wounds sting more.
Your SIL's pregnancy and feelings about pregnancy are not connected to your loss in your first pregnancy. She is allowed to have apprehensions about her own child and they are not necessarily connected to what you went through.
Apparently, the pain of IF doesn’t matter once you’re actually pregnant.
So true!
I laughed at this one, because I have had the same thought at times:
See, we really have gone through hell!
Wouldn't it be better to not have gone through it? Yet, there is that part that wants people to really, truly understand and a loss is something the fertile world seems to *get* a bit better.
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