In the past, many of you have commented about my honesty. It’s true—this is the place where I feel I can lay everything on the line, no matter how strange it is. Sometimes this honesty doesn’t always put me in the best light. But I think it’s therapeutic to put your feelings down on paper, even if they look strange in the light of day.
Right now, my feelings seem strange, even to me.
For the first time since before our ultrasound last fall, I’m happy, even content. I feel that for the time being, I’m able to sit back and enjoy the ride and contemplate the possibility that this pregnancy might actually work. Yes, I’m incredibly stressed at work (I’m a perfectionist, and I’m terrified my new boss isn’t totally satisfied with my work), but I always have those happy thoughts in the back of my mind. I have my hubby and doggy at home, and I might, just might, have a baby coming in the fall.
At the same time, I’m harboring feelings of intense anger. Anger? What? How can you be angry when you “have it all?” The anger is directed mostly at various family members. Here’s the weird part: Most of them haven’t done much to deserve it. I read some of your blog posts about family members who are horrifically inconsiderate, unfeeling and unthinking. This isn’t my family. They were incredibly supportive when we were going through our worst times, and both my mother and MIL tread very lightly when it comes to talking about their soon-to-be-born grandchildren (in March and August). Even my SIL (the one due in March) hasn’t intentionally done anything insensitive. But I’ll tell you a secret: Driving home at night, I have imaginary future conversations with her in my head, some of which take place after I have a baby. I imagine her trying to give me child-rearing advice, and me saying, “Excuse me? You haven’t experienced nearly the heartbreak that I’ve experienced, so back off! You don’t have a right to say anything to me!”
Crazy, right? I’m mad at her for things she hasn’t even done.
I feel caught between wanting to share our news (I’m thinking I’ll be telling my family at about 10 weeks when we visit them for a birthday celebration) and not wanting our families to be as happy as we are. Some twisted part of my brain wants them to feel sorry for us just a little bit more. I feel like grief gives me power, and if others interpret new happiness as a corresponding diminishment of grief, I lose much of my power.
No wonder I’ve been trying to keep my distance from family! I’m afraid they’ll be able to see everything I’ve just told all of you.
I’ve never been quite this messed up before. It’s a weird feeling.
12 comments:
I have conversations like that in my head too. Mostly mine are about what ignorant thing I could say to make others feel bad about things that they didn't ask or say in the first place. I guess that is one of the ways that the loss impacts you for a longer time. It's the feel bad and pity me syndrome. I don't want to be that way but sometimes it is so hard. I guess it is a way to show everyone how hard it has been for us without having to be that way in real life thus the imaginary conversations. Sometimes it is easier being mad than to let the other happier stuff creep in. I am glad you feel more at peace about this pregnancy. Give Colby a belly rub for me. He is the cutest!
Have all the conversations you need to in your head, but remember it mostly counts what you say out loud to those people you love. It is natural as a person with a major loss (which you are still experiencing) to feel resentful of others who can never know the depth of that feeling. I also know that those poisonous pregnancy hormones can intensify the messed up thoughts, so cut yourself some slack. I hope you will continue to share your honest thoughts and feelings with the Internets - we care and (believe it or not) can relate!
Maybe your feelings of anger at family members is not really about them at all. Maybe it is a more generalized feeling of anger at the world for handing you one crappy situation after another when it comes to having a baby. Sometimes I feel it is easier to deal with anger when there is somebody to direct towards even if it isn't about them at all.
I don't presume to understand how it feels to stand in your shoes...but I do get that you don't want them to forget the child you already gave birth to because you are having another. Zach still deserves to be remembered and mourned. Yes, there is a great blessing that we are all happy about, but we don't need to forget Zach.
At least, that is what I get from what I read...yes?
I don't think your feelings are that strange. I can imagine feeling angry about how things worked even though it looks good with this current pregnancy. I can understand some of that anger being directed at your family.
When my mother shows excitement about this pregnancy, I want to shout, "What right do you have to be happy? Where were you month after month while I was going through hell?" It is almost like she expects the reward without the work or the heartache.
On some level I think I understand what you are saying. There is a part of me that wants to hold onto this anger I have for my situation, almost like it gives me license to behave a certain way even if it's just situations that happen in my head. And the crazy part is that no one has ever given me cause to say anything but I tuck away things like "You don't understand" or "You have no idea what we have been going through". And I'm just a whinny drama queen having not the faintest idea of what suffering really is. You, my friend, have endured more than any one person should and yet I can understand to a point what you are saying.
I sometimes *almost* want people to say something completely horrible to me, just so I can lash back. I also don't think it's really anger at any one person, but sometimes perhaps I just want to make my angry feeling known loud and clear, and everyone's just been too damn nice!
I think Heather probably has it right too: you don't want your new pregnancy to just replace Zach, and are worried that might happen with your family.
I have to wonder whether all these scenarios in your head might not just be a way of preparing yourself for all sorts of future conversations. Hopefully your family will continue to understand your feelings, but thinking through what you would do if they're on a different page might be a really productive thing. I've noticed that I've been having a lot more vivid dreams since I started IF treatments (or maybe that's just being woken up for 8 am ultrasounds everyday ...) but I kind-of took it as my mind working through everything in preparation for all the changes to come.
I actually have those very same thoughts about a different aspect of TTC though - in some ways, after all this, I really didn't wanna get knocked up easily. Cuz I don't want them to be right. And I don't want them to shrug it off. When our IVF failed, people were shocked, sad, suddenly very very aware of how much this sucks - and I wanted them to stay that way.
It's so great you can feel happy about the pregnancy now. That's huge.
As for feeling like you are different and others cannot begin to judge or understand you? I think the need to tally up the unfairness is just a natural part of early grief. Yell at people all you want in your daydreams, it tends to be more cathartic and uncomplicated than yelling IRL is!
I still do the same thing, especially when family and friends make light of the 2 years of despair before this pregnancy. I am already thinking ahead to trying for the next one- will it be possible?- and everyone thinks I'm magically transformed into a fertile myrtle.
Ugh.
I"m always really thankful when someone says something like this in my support group, because I'm suddently "normal" and not the only freak waiting to explode. I went back to work for the first time after Gabriel's death last Monaday. Got asked if I had a nice vacation. I want to spit. I"m with Kathy - I want people to know that I'm hurting. I want people to know that this has been terrible, and I can't just move on with my life.
I'm sorry. I don't think you are messed up, but I do think these are hard places to be.
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