This past weekend, we were at a restaurant waiting for a table when I noticed a very pregnant woman waiting a few feet away from us. Immediately, I averted my eyes and moved away so I wouldn’t have to look at her. Later, as we were going through the mail at home, I saw a B.abies ‘R U.s catalog. Giving a little cry of alarm, I hastily shoved it into the recycling bin.
What is wrong with this picture? Well, um…I am, myself, pregnant. So why did seeing the pregnant woman and the baby catalog hurt me so?
Apparently, losing Zach has affected me even more than I thought.
As I think back to last summer, I don’t believe that I had the same reactions after I became pregnant. Sure, I was terrified of losing the pregnancy, but once I saw those double lines I was able to comfortably put myself in the same category as all those other pregnant women.
Now, even though my boobs continue to hurt, I’m dead tired much of the time and I’m making more frequent trips to the bathroom, I don’t really feel pregnant. I’m still jealous of women who appear to have made it to the third trimester and the sight of tiny babies still freaks me out.
I can only conclude that pregnancy loss has damaged me much more deeply than IF ever did. (That’s not to say that pregnancy loss, in general, hurts more than IF. I’m simply talking about my situation and my situation alone.)
It makes me wonder when, exactly, I’m going to be able to count myself among the pregnant ranks. Will it be once (if) I start showing? Will it be once (if) I make it past the big, scary ultrasound? Will I ever be able to truly enjoy being pregnant?
I have a small fear that if I, too, become one of those obviously pregnant women, I will start to resent myself just as much as I resent them. Will I be upset at this baby because I will wonder why he/she survived and Zach didn’t? God, I hope not.
Thank goodness I’m still seeing a grief counselor. I think I’m going to need her.
10 comments:
I'm praying hard that you will see this baby in 8-9 months and that the joy you feel holding your healthy baby will allow you to begin having peace with your Zach.
I still am uncomfortable around other pregnant women even though I too am one of them. I just don't feel like I'm truly "one of them." I feel as if every step of my pregnancy journey is like walking on eggshells, since this pregnancy has not been an easy one for me. Pregnancy loss coupled with IF and now a difficult pregnancy has left me scarred for life... Hopefully this pregnancy will be complication-free for you and you will be able to find a safe zone where you can begin to enjoy it.
I just got my BFP on Friday and have found that so far, I feel exactly the same resentment towards pregnant women and women with small children that I always have. I'm hoping it wears off, but from everyone else's blogs I'm guessing it won't.
I am hoping you get an easy(ish) pregnancy and a healthy baby this time.
I think you will probably always mourn Zach, and for while, be especially sensitive to the milestones that he would be making, were he to have been healthy. He was a special, unique individual, and the loss will not go away, even as you get more comfortable with this pregnancy. It's tough.
I don't think there are any definitive answers to your questions. For a while I was thinking I'm ready for the next step. Part of me now is petrified of getting the next BFP (the other part of me is worried about not getting a BFP.) I guess the whole process makes it so confusing. My guess is too that you will be nervous, anxious, and uneasy till you are past the week in which you lost Zach. I think people in this road are always waiting (preparing) for bad news while always hoping for the good. I hope this pregnancy doesn't cause you too much uneasiness. I'm sure you and your counselor will have some good discussions. hugs to you as you go through this.
Yes, given your situation I think your feelings are entirely understandable. I just wish I had some magic words to make it all better, but I don't. Hang in there!
Hey, I just tagged you for some distraction.
These are interesting questions, many of which I can empathize with and others you situationally have to think about. I think your counselor will be a great asset to this pregnancy. Hang in there.
I don't think you are ever going to feel like a regular pregnant lady, even if you have a completely dull-normal 40 weeks. I'm really, really sorry about that.
I pray that the good signs and test results accumulate and the trimesters start piling up to the point where one day you say, "Holy cow, I think we might actually bring home a LIVE BABY this time." And instead of pushing that thought away like it's a nest of angry bees (as you will be apt to do the first 1000 times it almost occurs to you) you will finally be able to allow yourself to bask in the possibility of the new baby, and to feel hope again.
It will not erase any grief you feel for your son. It will not take away the damage his loss did. Yet to feel hope for the first time after true despair? It is awesome. You will never forget the moment it happens.
This is what I am wishing for you. Not quite the easy-breezy, cutesy dreams of typical pregnancy, I know. But I'm not wishing you a fiction, but something attainable, given your situation.
If you are lucky enough to get to this place, I swear that there are some blessings that come with it. Right along with the hardships.
Hang in there. Wishing you only the best.
I am glad you are seeing a grief counselor. Losing Zach was huge...how could you not be deeply affected???
I am sure you'll need the counselor's assistance is believing that this pregnancy could actually lead to a healthy baby in the end. I wish you strength and healing as you grow another beloved little one.
Post a Comment